


I'll be the voice you always know when you're lost and all alone

by Madalena



Series: Healing in the Key of Ruelle [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, Healing, M/M, Rebuilding Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 14:25:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11382048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madalena/pseuds/Madalena
Summary: Magnus and Alec discuss Magnus' last nightmare, and the intricacies of love, trust, and the way forward.----Part of a series of interconnected drabbles (and not-so-drabbles) focusing on life after 2x12, titled with lines from Ruelle songs, because her music is the most perfect music for Shadowhunters, and Malec in particular.





	I'll be the voice you always know when you're lost and all alone

**Author's Note:**

> So I knew that this series would have to be limited in scope, because there are only so many Ruelle songs out there... and then she went and released four new ones xD That doesn't mean that the length of the series is going to change, per se, but it does provide ample new material for title quotes! Especially since I think "Find You" and "Recover" are both very Malec songs (and if they don't end up being so in the show I'm going to be quite upset).

Alec cleared away their coffee mugs, and they settled back into the couch that they’d been sleeping on earlier, Magnus curled into Alec’s chest, Alec’s hand running soothingly through his hair.

Magnus thought of the next memory - the last one from his nightmares, of when he had been in Valentine’s body and Alec had been rough with him - and his arm tightened around Alec’s chest, as he worried about how to best raise the topic.

Alec ran his lips lightly across Magnus’ temple. “What’s wrong?”

“I… the last memory that the Agony rune tormented me with. That came to me again in the nightmares.”

Alec’s hand stilled. “It’s me, isn’t it?”

Magnus’ eyes flooded with tears, but he didn’t want to show them to Alec, and didn’t know how he could say anything without giving them away, so he just curled further into Alec’s chest and nodded.

“Hey.” Alec said softly, moving his hand to stroke the buzzed hair on the back of Magnus’ head. “You can say it. Whatever it is.”

“I… You… you’ve been so good to me since I’ve been back in my body. So understanding. So good. I… I feel comfortable here. I don’t want to ruin that.”

“You won’t. I’m here for you. Whatever you have to say. Bad, horrible, terrible… I deserve it. I know I do. How I didn’t trust you, how I didn’t pay attention to the signs from Valentine when he was walking around in your body… I failed you. I _hurt_ you. Something I’d promised myself I’d never do, and yet…”

“It was Azazel’s fault. He wanted to hurt me. And he knew just how to do it.”

“But it wasn’t him that didn’t trust you. It wasn’t him that trusted Valentine and not you. I… I could have been a better boyfriend. Trusted my gut. Not let Jace talk me out of it.”

“Jace?”

“Yeah… I… after I saw you in the cells, I was confused. You’d said all that to me and… I wanted to believe it. My gut was telling me to believe it and I was formulating a plan for breaking you out of there, Clave be damned, I was ready to take the risk that you weren’t Valentine. Because why in the world would Valentine pretend to be you? But then I talked to Jace and he told me not to believe Valentine’s tricks. Though I still don’t know how in the world Valentine would have known any of that, and when I’d come here Valentine was so cold with me, it was so unlike you, which made me believe what I’d heard from you even more. But Jace knows Valentine better than I do, he grew up with the man, so if Jace believed that Valentine would pull such a trick… I believed him too.”

“He is your parabatai.”

“I know. But that doesn’t excuse it. Even if I needed to be sure, even if I needed confirmation… I could have at least put a stop-torture directive out. I shouldn’t have let them do that to you. I should have done something to prevent it.”

“You should have. But I’m not sure it would have made any difference. The Inquisitor was full of grief and rage, she would have overruled it if she thought she was making Valentine suffer.”

“Why… why are you…”

“Why am I what?”

“Making excuses for me. I don’t deserve that.”

Magnus uncurled himself from Alec’s chest to look him in the eye. Tears were streaking Alec’s face, even though Magnus hadn’t heard it in his voice. He pulled himself up so that he could kiss Alec’s cheeks lightly, before resting their foreheads together.

“It isn’t your choice. If I choose to forgive you, that’s my choice.”

“Do you?”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you forgive me?”

Magnus sighed. “I… it isn’t that simple. Trust isn’t that simple. But in a relationship, things are never simple.”

Alec blinked. “What do you mean?”

“In a situation like this… it isn’t just about forgiveness for past acts. It is a promise to do better in the future. And making that promise real. That’s what builds trust in a relationship. I know this is your first relationship, so I apologize if I sound a bit condescending, but I just want to make things very clear.”

“You don’t need to apologize. Just say what’s on your mind.”

“I love you, Alexander. More than I thought was possible for me to love someone, given everything in my past. Which also makes this so terrifying and new for me. I love quickly and I trust quickly, but when that trust is broken… it takes work to restore it. More than it took to grant it to begin with. I forgive you for what you did while I was in Valentine’s body. But it is still going to take some time for me to trust you fully again. And the only way you can help that along is by doing better by me. You’ve been wonderful all night and day. But once we settle back into normal routines… you go back to work at the Institute… there may come a time where it won’t always be as easy.”

“You mean if the Clave or the Inquisitor demands something of me that could… I don’t know… I don’t even want to think of the possibilities.”

Magnus nodded. “The way the Clave is acting right now, in the wake of Valentine and what he did with the Soul Sword… let’s just say the Downworld isn’t entirely convinced that the Clave hates what Valentine did. We worry what steps they might take to contain the perception of a threat from the Downworld. So if they did resort to radical measures… I would hope that you would speak against it.”

“I understand. I… I’ll do better. I’ll make the hard choices, the right ones, instead of the easy ones. I’ll listen to my gut instead of what the Clave tells me to believe.”

“I look forward to seeing it.”

“How are you so calm about all of this? If… if I was… how can you even be comfortable with me here?”

“Because despite everything that’s happened, I never doubted how much you love me. It might take me awhile to trust you completely, but I never doubted your love.”

“You didn’t? Even after…”

“Even after we talked in the cell, yes. Because there your mind had two options after hearing my stories. One was that you could believe that it was in fact me, not Valentine, no matter how bizarre and improbable that idea sounded. And the other was that for some inexplicable reason Valentine had changed his focus from Clary and Jace to you and your life, and since Valentine wants to hurt and destroy everything he touches, you were worried about what he could do to me. To us. And the idea that I could be the target of whatever new thing he was planning… that terrified you. So after you talked to Jace and he talked you out of the first… the second was what you had to hold onto.”

“Sure, but… I was wrong.”

“You were. But you still loved me. That didn’t change.”

“It didn’t. It won’t. I’ll do better.” Alec tightened his arms around Magnus.

“I know you will. In that I do trust.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from “Find You” by Ruelle.


End file.
